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Bugle Empire
The Bugle Empire is the legal, physical manifestation of the Bugleverse. As a listener-supported sovereign realm disseminated on electronic airwaves, it will outlast other notable empires in history (e.g. Swedish, Byzantine, Dutch, Belgian, Mongolian, Impalan, Icelandic, et cetera). The Bugle Bureaucracy Constitution Predating the Magna Carta by a scant 47 years ± 7 months, the Bugle Constitution provides the adamantium-like framework and razor claws with which the Empire is ruled. Like The Bugle podcast that followed it, the constitution was never written. In fact, its first article specifically states that it is illegal to pen the charter either in whole or in part. To do so would constitute a copyright infringement. Consequently, it holds the distinction of being the oldest oral constitution of any imperial realm. Continuing its sordid history of blatant disregard for International Time Zones, the International Date Line, Daylight Savings Time, and jet lag, the two representatives are sworn in simultaneously. Each affirms that they will faithfully carry out the satirical duties of their office with the driest of wit and the smallest of paychecks, and that “the podcast of the people, by the people, for the people, shall wrap it up before it jumps the shark.” Delegate History Currently, the Bugle Constitution is predicated on binomialism and Roman consul rule. Since May 1782, the Empire has been grudgingly overseen by two delegates, one each from the United Kingdom and United States. In 1812, serious debate raged in the Empire over whether to create a third position, that of the Canadian delegate. After a few years the populace lost interest, having realized that Canada, apart from its chain of Tim Horton’s, was not really worth all this brouhaha. For their part, the US and UK delegates surreptitiously shelved the issue. The pair jointly concluded that installing a Canadian delegate in the Bugle Empire would make as much sense as spy hot air balloons over said country. Furthermore, neither delegate was capable of faking a decent outrageous French accent. The British delegate retains all the powers and responsibilities of the monarchical system. The representative is ordained by divine providence and so holds the post for life. As the position is granted based on primogeniture, it is passed down to the first born male in the family. Delegates have the option of wearing official headgear as a sign of their office, either a crown, tiara, balaclava, or any combination thereof. Any listener who pledges fealty to this delegate receives a complementary wax cylinder recording of Alfred, Lord Tennyson reciting “The Cremation of Sam McGee.” The American delegate must adhere to all federal laws and regulations pertaining to the office, even the U.S. Constitution. Residents of the contiguous United States, or in rare instances, Alaska, Hawaii, the Philippines, Guam, or Puerto Rico, are eligible. Candidates are voted in solely by the Electoral College, a nebulous cabal that operates on the fringe of the popular consciousness and is easily bribed with tiramisu and phosphate sodas. The delegate must exercise their right to keep and bear arms at all times, regardless of natural talent, sleep, or impaired use of opposable thumbs. Impeachment Impeachment is applicable to the American delegate only. This is achieved with a supermajority of The Bugle’s 6.9 billion potential listeners. It is encouraged that ballots remain free of blemishes and additional Hotties From History nominations. If the delegate is impeached, dies in office, or resigns, the successor is chosen via a special election. Contrary to popular belief, the American delegate has never been appointed by Governor Rod Blagojevich of Illinois. British Immunity The British delegate is immune to impeachment charges, which have the unfortunate side effect of being inflicted upon a third party. In 1979, overzealous Buglers attempted to force the resignation of Andy Zaltzman due to his controversial endorsement of Cincinnati chili and rumored rigging of local carnival cake walks. That same year witnessed the most severe El Niño effect in over four decades. The fish and chips industry subsequently declined by over 30%. In order to avoid exacerbating climate change, Buglers have demonstrated great restraint and no such demands have been made since. There are two instances in which the UK delegate may renounce the office: abdication or death. If there is no male heir apparent, Tom the Producer will act as regent. Delegate Applications American Delegate Application The next American delegate election will occur in 2011. Submit the following notarized application prior to the filing deadline. Bugle Empire: American Application:Name: __________________________ :1. Explain in ten words or less why American football is the best test of athletic ability ever devised by man. :2. Which amendment best honors the American spirit and also personally consider most valuable? ::a) 2nd Amendment (right to shoot things) ::b) 21st Amendment (right to get sloshed) ::c) 29th Amendment (right to shoot things while sloshed, currently being debated in House of Representatives) :3. Circle the correct slang for a carbonated beverage: ::Pop ::Soda :4. What is the average price of a gallon of milk? ::a) $7 ::b) £20 ::c) €100 :5. If Harry is driving due east from San Francisco at 550 km/h and drank a Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet’N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice, and Peter is driving due west from Chattanooga at 32 miles/hour and drank a Medium Dunkin Donuts Iced Coffee, how far could each drive before stopping at a rest stop on the interstate to relieve themselves? :6. Assuming the following historical figures were fighting dirty, who would win in a bareknuckle fight? ::a) Abigail Adams ::b) Mark Twain ::c) The Wright Brothers ::d) Frank Lloyd Wright :7. How many foreign countries have you visited, excluding Canada, Mexico, and Puerto Rico? ::a) >1 ::b) >100 ::c) The only country worth visiting is the good ol’ US of A :8. How often do you drink tea? ::a) Once a day ::b) Once a week ::c) Once a month ::d) Isn’t that what we chucked in the ocean? :9. What is your favorite comedy show? ::a)The Muppet Show ::b)Monty Python’s Flying Circus ::c)Whose Line Is It Anyway? (indicate country of origin) :10. If elected, what schmaltzy commemorative memorabilia will you release in your name? ---- Please send the above completed form, along with a minimum of 462 million dollars(US) to the Bugle Selection Committee Headquarters in Washington D.C. British Delegate Application As stated above, the post of Head British Bugler is not open to the public. Therefore anyone set on gaining this post after Andy steps down (dies) must do one of the following: 1. Be the firstborn child of Andy Zaltzman (must be male in this instance) ::OR, Have legal papers filed by Andy making you his sole heir. 2. Outlive Andy Zaltzman. The Boy Andy has successfully cultivated, caught and raised an heir, provisionally named Horace. He will take over Andy's half of the Bugle once Zaltzman has been turned into maggot food. When interviewed, the year old Horace stated he would immediately disband the entire Bugle and kill John Oliver before crying like the baby that he is. Other Tidbits of Note Traffic Statutes Controversy Because the Bugle Empire has refused to declare right- or left-hand traffic the official rule of the road, hundreds of millions of Buglers, rabbits, opossums, snakes, badgers, and kangaroos have met their unfortunate end. However, this "end" has created a phenomenal boom within the Empire for restaurants, who have been taking advantage of this cheap source of meat. Therefore, any attempt made by the Sultans to change the chaos and confusion on the roads has been met with stiff resistance from unions representing both carcass removal workers and "carcass cookers," the affectionate regional nickname given to chefs. Extrasolar Bugle Empire According to declassified NASA files, the Jet Propulsion Laboratory has had a longstanding affiliation with the Bugle Empire. The Pioneer and Voyager spacecraft were launched in the 1970s not to further space exploration and establish peaceful contact with extraterrestrial species, but to spread word throughout the cosmos that delegates Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver had been born. The two Pioneer plaques also detail directions to Andy’s new studio in London, while the golden records on Voyager 1 and Voyager 2 include high fidelity remixes of John’s attempts at rap. As each of the four spacecraft is still capable of receiving podcasts transmitted from Earth, the Bugle Empire is officially the largest physical empire known to mankind. War War has been declared by the Bugle Empire only twice in its marvelous history. Unfortunately,one of them occured when it declared war upon itself. In 2007, the Top Gear team embarked upon a cheap car roadtrip challenge through the southern United States. Their cars bedecked in all manner of obscenity (“Hillary For President,” “Nascar Sucks,” “Country & Western Is Rubbish,” “Manlove Rules OK”), the trio made a quick stop at a gas station in Alabama. Upon catching sight of the vehicles, the proprietress of the gas station promptly pledged to “go and get the boys.” Against all odds, the three engines simultaneously failed to start. Speculation is rampant as to what precisely befell the presenters, but none made it out of Dixie alive. The second happened war was with Canada. The Canadians were too drunk and bored to bother caring about anything. By this time Andy had become Supreme Dictator,but Tom had staged a bloody coup, and Andy used this chance to murder John, (who is now buried in Mongolia.) Then he destroyed Tom by turning on the intercom and overloading his head with bull until it exploded (which head you ask you tell me). Then because by this time Canada had not a shred of nationalism , Andy sat down with Prime Minister Stephen Harper and laid down his demands: *He becomes a national icon *All forms of newspaper,radio,and other current affairs platforms be replaced by the bugle *That Canada invade Estonia *And he would hand over his throne to Andy Stevie was about to say sure whatever but being in the default state of all average Canadians he was drunk and said "O.K O.K. how about a pint." Andy was so angry he stormed out of the bar ripped his wig off and shouted this means war. Before some guy took a dump on his shoe. He unloaded so much mental, verbal, and physical bullsh**t that every drop of alcohol ignited and vanished. Canadians finally decided to act. They all packed their bags and emigrated to South America where they have been hooked on Marjuana ever since. Andy was left with lots of snow and Moose. Credit Crunch In 2008, the credit crunch visibly wrecked havoc upon global financial markets and many major financial institutions. While several countries have entered recession, the Bugle Empire is too big to fail. To be on the safe side, however, the Empire has taken prudent protective measures. To cut costs, it is now illegal to toss any parts of an audio newspaper into a bin. All audio must be reused or recycled. As well, pants have been banned, which the Bugle Empire's book keepers insist will save the population within the empire roughly 16 billion BEP's per year (BEP=Bugle Empire Pounds). Other empires achieve their strength through military or economic superiority or cultural influence. Conversely, the Bugle Empire proliferates in the minds of all human beings with ears, countless animal species, and bored extraterrestrials picking up any stray audio traffic. As lyricist and British vice-delegate Tim Rice wrote, “My land’s only borders lie around my headphones.” Fuck you Chris Category:Concepts